Ruidoso News (NM) – Saturday, September 17, 2011
Author/Byline: Dianne Stallings dstallings@ruidosonews.com
Section: News
Sometimes Nancy La Pointe may only have one shot at trying to inspire or motivate a woman who seeks refuge from domestic violence at The Nest.
The victim may leave the next day, but as trauma recovery educator at the shelter in Ruidoso Downs, La Pointe tries to help the woman see her value and realize that her identity is not found in a man. She has potential.
It may the only time the woman has ever heard that message, La Pointe said.
While plenty of external obstacles lie ahead for a domestic violence survivor, the internal barriers may be the most difficult to hurdle.
“I think their biggest challenge is organizing priorities out of the chaos that surrounds them,” she said. “They become overwhelmed with needs and they lack resources. Most have no support system at all. They come to the shelter and then the realization sets in that they are alone and have to rebuild their lives. Most have no car, or if they do, the cars need repairs and they have no money for that or for gasoline.”
The women may set goals about finding a job or attending school, but those are tough to obtain without transportation or money.
“When they come in, it’s a shock to their whole system. The children may be crying for their daddy,” La Pointe said. “The mother may feel like the bad guy for breaking up the family, and they find themselves thrown into communal living.”
While some women leave a dangerous situation because the abuse has spread to their children, other abusers target only the spouse, she said.
“It takes a few days for them to settle down and come to reality,” La Pointe said. “Then they can work with the staff to formulate goals and an empowerment plan.”
The victims of domestic violence have 90 days at The Nest and that’s pretty quick to begin a new life, La Pointe said.
“It’s so overwhelming, some just don’t have the strength to look at the big picture when everything is going to change in their lives,” she said.
A New Mexico native originally from Las Cruces and living in Lincoln County for the past five years, La Pointe said 25 years ago the domestic violence picture was significantly different than today.
“We see more generational abuse, addiction, mental health issues,” she said. “We see a lot more women who grew up in abuse. The cycle was passed down and that’s really sad. You can look at a situation and say, ‘Why doesn’t she do this or that,’ but most did not grow up in healthy homes. They grew up in homes with abuse and they were not taught to have healthy relationships.
“It doesn’t just come naturally.”
The situation is only aggravated when the offending abuser in a relationship isn’t interested in trying to change.
“I have a passion to see families get healthy,” she said, “But not many men join in therapy. Some will start, but only a small percentage stay with it. I would love to see men take responsibility. I just don’t see that often.”
Recovery
La Pointe said she doesn’t have statistics, but in her experience, few families can get back together and make it work.
“It takes everybody working together and that tends not to happen,” La Pointe said. “For most women and for the kids to have a chance, they have to leave.”
The bottom line is that the women need to believe in themselves and to have goals.
“Maybe no one told them that before. They may not believe. But they are survivors and do what it takes to survive.”
“When they come to the shelter, they’re in a state of shock,” she said. “Many times, it’s deep trauma and that takes time, a little while to come out of shock with nothing and all these people are telling you what you have to do. She needs time to let her mind settle. Usually she’s not sleeping and maybe when she fled, she left her medicine behind.
“Picture the scenario of grabbing your kids and getting out to a safe place.”
Slowly, they move to the phase where they can formulate goals and begin working on those goals. They connect to resources they need for them and for the kids.
“We’re still always trying to teach them to value themselves as a person and to realize what was done to them does not mean they are evil. They have value and worth. But some have trouble believing it because they have never heard that before.”
“There are not definite stages to recovery, because everyone is different,” La Pointe said. “But at the end of 90 days we barely have started. We try to keep them connected to support groups and counselors to continue the recovery process.”
Although Help End Abuse for Life, the group that runs the shelter, receives wonderful community support, La Pointe said she would like to see more involvement directly by clubs, churches and individuals through mentoring and other interactions.
“People need to look past the stereotype and see the families that are hurting,” she said. “They need mentoring and need to be involved in the community, especially the kids, because it is a problem being passed along.”
Unfortunately, the state of New Mexico has cut back funding for domestic violence prevention program, she said. While she understands the financial crisis, victims of abuse and their children need to know how to develop healthy relationships, La Pointe said. “I’d like to see churches, clubs and individuals work with the Nest and us to be friends and a support system that most of these people have never known. We don’t want the cycle to continue.”
courtesy of Ruidoso News